Trying to Rediscover My State of Zen

Last night was hard. Emma woke up at least every hour and would only stay asleep if she was lying on top of one of us.  Around 2:00 a.m. we realized she had a stuffy nose, and by 3:00 a.m. we decided to clear it.  Talk about a rude awakening for Emma, who, though restless, was still asleep when we started to suck the gunk out of her nose.  By the time 7:00 a.m. rolled around, I had only slept a total of two hours.  Add to the three hours of sleep I got the night before, plus a relatively hard day for two days in a row, I wasn’t happy.  Though I’ve had several great days these past weeks, there have also been a lot of days and nights like this.

I think I need to learn how to handle these lows because they will come.  I think the hardest part for me is that I’m so used to having more control over my days and nights.  I’m trying to embrace the lack of control that comes with having a baby, and today when I did that, somehow things felt a little better.

I’ve started to accept things I just can’t change – Emma’s naps for example.  I’d love it if she could sleep on her own for a little longer.  We’re both so much happier when she sleeps more in the day.  After two weeks of trying ideas that I’ve been reading about, her naps haven’t changed a bit and I’m rolling with it.  I’m doing what a friend does and planning on holding my baby for part of her nap so she can get a least one good long nap in.  Now I look forward to this time with her and it’s working great.

I’m not trying to change things that I don’t think are problems, regardless of what I read or hear.

I’m trying not to take my plans too seriously.  For example, I have sort of a loose plan to help us eventually stop using the bouncy ball.  It’s a fun thing to work toward, but so what if it does or doesn’t work.  Any “successes” or “signs of progress” probably have more to do with Emma’s maturing more than anything else anyway.

Once we think we’ve figured things out, things will change.

As I read this over, there are a lot of things that I’m committed to not doing to help bring balance to my life, but there are also a lot of things that I can do.  I can love Emma and honor her.  I can say a prayer and meditate while I hold her.  I can get in a few stretches when I have a minute.  I can take her on walks and try to get out of the house at least once a day.  I can play with her while I do chores. I can talk with friends to hear their perspectives and I can try to be a better friend and family member.  There are so many simple things I can do to.  It’s in these small things where I’ve been finding joy … more on that later.